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It’s Coaching, Not Coaxing

Writer's picture: Carla HugoCarla Hugo

tempting brownie, representing indecision

Recently, I was entering a coaching appointment on my calendar. I intended to type:


Coaching Debbie


And instead, I typed:


Coaxing Debbie


This gave me a chuckle. I had never considered the vast difference between coaxing and coaching, despite their being such similarly spelled words!


I looked up the meaning of coaxing and found some key words:

·       Influence

·       Persuade

·       Manipulate


Now that my attention has been drawn to the word “coax” I find that sometimes clients work with me because they want to be coaxed! They will ask, “Carla, what do you think?”

Often clients are intending to make massive life changes and are eager for support in weighing the pro’s and con’s. When they are exploring this during their session, it is my job to remain neutral.

As a client, you are the expert in your life! My role is to support you in being your best self. That is the space I hold for you.  Coaching is not about influencing your decision.

Now…am I human? Yes!! I do have emotional reactions. I have shed tears in sessions when my empathy for my client’s pain overwhelms me. I have experienced surprise when a client shares a detail that seems out of context. But it is not out of context – I only know my client for 50 minutes per week! There is so much life lived outside of sessions.

For this reason, at the close of each coaching session, I always ask my clients what they are taking away to act upon. Each client is the greatest influencer of their own life, based upon their goals, needs and what they have learned about themselves in the session.

How can I want for someone more than or differently than they want for themselves? I cannot. And that is why coaching is not coaxing – not manipulative or persuasive.

When clients have the need to make a massive decision, one tool that I share is  a COST/COST analysis tool. Rather than comparing opposites, such as COST/BENEFIT, comparing like items reveals more value to my clients.

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